24+6 – tail between my legs

Sorry for the silence.  It’s been a bit of a funny time.  Not to dwell too far in to it, but I’ve been a bit all over the place in terms of sanity – mostly up and down.  Which is really, really shit when you’re going through “the most beautiful time of life” … it’s hard not to feel happy when you’re the “happiest” you’ve ever been.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve not been constantly miserable, just finding things a bit tough going.  I have been able to also find the joy in kicks and swollen bellies – so it’s not all doom and gloom!

HOWEVER … I feel like I really turned a corner and am feeling loads better.  For the last couple of weeks, I really feel like I have fallen head over heels in love with being pregnant.  I look lovely – I have a lovely round hard belly that I carry everywhere with me (I’m literally carrying it, my hands are always holding it up or giving it a rub.)  It’s been many years since I declared that “I look lovely” which is a strange sentiment to say about yourself.  And baby is much more noticeably with me, in everything I do I feel baby responding or reacting.  Sometimes when I can’t feel baby moving or wriggling, I still feel like I can feel him – like I can tell if he’s awake or asleep.  I was looking out for movements for Bec to have a feel of last night, and I felt as if I could feel baby wake up, though he wasn’t moving.  Maybe I’m imagining it, maybe it’s mumbo jumbo – maybe it’s magic.  I don’t know.  I like it, anyway.

Him?  He?

No.  Still no idea.  At the last scan we specified that we didn’t want to know the gender, so the sonographer was doing her checking, and then said “OK I need to move down to baby’s bottom half now for some measurements, I’d advise you look away.”  It was the hardest thing to do! I was so enjoying watching baby floating about, waving his arms about, opening and closing his mouth, craning his neck and arching his back, I could have watched it all day long, so I had to scrunch my eyes up and turn my head begrudgingly.  There was also the internal battle of but I want to know, are you a girl or a boy!?  even though I don’t actually *want* to know; I WANT to know.  Obvs.  I most want to find out on birth day though.  So we still don’t know.  But I still can’t stop referring to ‘it’ as he.  It just feels right. Though of course, I may be wrong!  Who knows? No-one does.

Saying that, you know when you’re pregnant and you have everyone from friends and family to complete strangers shout “Boy!” or “Girl!” at you – because they know?  Well the world has predicted a boy.  Literally every prediction has been for a boy.

You watch … it’ll be a girl now.

I genuinely don’t care, I just want to kiss my wee baby’s face!

So there you have it.  I don’t want to fall out of step with the blog, though I clearly have done already.  I have so many things that I think about writing all the time.  Like choosing a birthing centre over a hospital, and I really wanted to document all my symptoms and funny pregnancy stories so that I can share them with baby one day (when baby is a bit bigger!), name choosing, baby stuff buying – it’s all been going on.  I’d like to write about it all.

No promises.  I’m rubbish at promises!

For now, here’s baby at 20+1

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And here’s me and baby at 22+5

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