Fo’ reals (20wks)


I wrote a while back about feeling the first kicks and punches from baby … well, it was either a complete flukey one off or I imagined it!  I felt nothing then in the following weeks, which just made me feel depressed and worried.  I spent time just laying still and quiet, poking at my belly and concentrating really hard to try and catch a flutter or a gurgle but felt nothing.  It’s worrying!  Despite telling yourself it’s completely normal not to have felt anything yet, you still worry that there’s nothingness coming from your belly when you’re sure you felt something before.  You start to imagine all sorts of horrible things.

Until … you feel it again!  Horaaay!  So towards the end of last week I started to feel our little one squirming.  It’s so hard to explain what it feels like.  At first, it was only once a day if I was lucky and felt a bit like a really faint tummy gurgle, but I could definitely tell it was coming from baby rather than my stomach (which apparently now is pushed up somewhere in my chest!?) then as the days have gone on it’s become slightly more frequent.  Over the weekend I felt it a few times throughout the day, yesterday and today I’ve felt it loads!  I love knowing that baby is tumbling away in there!  It’s so lovely to know that I am now, unequivocally, feeling babs fo’ realsies. It feels like a wee high five from within 🙂

It is a massive relief before our 20wk scan tomorrow morning, which I have steadily been becoming more nervous about.  More on that, after that.

17 + 3

Hello.  Me again.  I feel a little sheepish for not having posted in so long.  I have lots of excuses I’m sure you’ve not interest in.

Mostly, I’ve just not had a great deal to say.

The second trimester initially brought me the promised burst of renewed energy, but then that was short lived as symptoms started to ebb back in, I started feeling a bit sick and mostly just exhausted again.  Not the same kind of all consuming exhaustion of the first trimester (there isn’t much that could match that!), just lethargic and lacking energy and motivation.  Hormones hit pretty hard too, and there was a period of time when tears would be the main theme of any day.  It just felt like awful PMT, I was moody and upset all of the time.

That hit me pretty hard too, and inevitably made me sink a little lower, as I’ve been waiting my whole life to be pregnant, I wanted the experience of pregnancy as much as I wanted a baby – I wanted to be skipping through meadows with my glowy skin and think glossy hair while rubbing my beautiful round belly.  It’s very disappointing when life doesn’t give you the fairy tale you expected. In reality, I felt like a fat lump who didn’t have the energy to get off the sofa, and who felt uncontrollably sad about nothing in particular.

Of course, it’s easier to articulate all of that now that I’ve (hopefully) entered a new phase. I feel loads better.  It could be the weather – you know when the sun starts coming out for the first time in the year, and you can leave the house without a million layers, and wear pretty little ballet pumps, and SUNGLASSES!  I do still feel a bit like a heifer … baby is really popping out now and I’m starting to feel a bit of a waddle going on – but I LOVE looking pregnant, I can’t help but wear things that really show my bump off and I feel so proud of it when I’m wandering about and notice people noticing my belly!

We had a midwife appointment on Wednesday and heard the baby’s heart beat for the first time – it was SO LOVELY.  We both just fell silent and listened.  The midwife was saying that she could tell the baby was wriggling about as she was having to follow the heartbeat around my belly as it tossed and turned.  It was lovely to hear her say that as I’d not felt any movement yet and so it’s nice to know that baby is still doing its thing in there, like it was when we saw it at the scan, 4 long weeks ago!

Speaking of movement, I’ve been feeling desperate to feel the baby move, every morning I wake up and wonder if today will be the day.  I lay still and concentrate really hard, and sometimes I think I might be able to feel a little feather like swishes inside, and on one hand I’m sure it must be the baby, on the other I suspect it could be just digestion I’m feeling … so therefore I conclude that it’s probably one or the other, therefore I must have felt baby at some points!?

Then yesterday (5th May 2016 10:35am! MILESTONE!), there was a definite jab in the side of my bump, like a twinge or a pinch.  I was working away at work and it stopped me in my tracks, for a second I panicked thinking something was wrong and then realisation washed over me and I was all overcome with emotion.  I looked around me for someone to tell and realised that I didn’t really want to share that super special moment with my colleagues, so I text my wife and kept it between the two of us for a while.  As I type, I can feel really very gentle swishy swirly bubbly feelings (baby’s ears are obviously burning!) … and it’s making the backs of my eye balls burn with love tears.

It really is a whole new phase now.  For the first time, I really feel like baby is ‘with’ me.  Before, it was an alien concept, a dream we had, an image on the screen, something I couldn’t quite relate to me … now the world can see it, and I feel like each time baby dives or tumbles or twirls (I can’t help but feel that our baby will be a natural born twirler) it’s like it’s talking to me, or snuggling in.  It feels like love.  So very gentle and little and light, but I know it’s going to get stronger and more often and I can’t wait.

Oh bloody hell.  Now I’m crying at my desk!

My wife and I are taking bump off to Ibiza tonight for a long weekend!  As a bizarre coincidence, my facebook memories popped up this morning and apparently on this day back in 2011, my status was “I want to go to Ibiza, even if only for a short break, which of you bitches is brave enough to come with me?” … well, now we’re off, for a very different holiday than I envisaged back in 2011 – we’re going to eat lovely food, listen to lovely music, watch the sun set, and basically just wander about in the sunshine, watching the beautiful people party.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  At all.