I’ve not written for a while. There’s been some stuff going on. I’ll start at the beginning.
The day after Mother’s Day (7th March, 8+5) I woke up and said to Bec that I had an awful feeling that something was wrong. It wasn’t based on anything other than a feeling but I told her I felt like one of the babies had gone. My mum was staying with us at the time as she had been visiting for Mother’s Day, we had breakfast together before she went off to catch a train home and she said she thought I should listen to my body and get checked, if only to put my mind at rest. I felt like I was causing a fuss over nothing but posed the question on an online pregnancy group and everyone agreed that if I could afford a private scan I should go for it, because it’s worth the peace of mind to know everything’s ok.
So I found a place to go for a scan and they couldn’t see us until the following Sunday. This was fine though as by now I’d convinced myself it was all in my head. I still felt that something was wrong, I can’t really explain it – it’s not like I had connected with the twins before hand, but I suppose I felt them with me. And I had an overwhelming feeling from that morning that there was only one. It was as if I kept trying to make a connection with two and feeling a certain blankness. But, logic had taken over and I was telling myself that without any evidence other than a ‘feeling’, everything was probably fine. I decided to see it as a bonus scan, to see our little ones again.
So, Sunday we went for our scan, the place only offered abdominal scans (they are a 4d scan place, not a medical establishment) but said this would be fine at 9+4. Sure enough, we got in there and saw twin one fine, measuring a day ahead at 29mm, but she couldn’t get a good look at twin two. She tried for ages and managed to get a measurement of 22mm but couldn’t see a heartbeat, though never really got a completely clear picture. She said she thought it didn’t look good and wanted us to go seek medical advice.
We were in a bit if a state by now – it was horrible having to walk back through the waiting room where all the other expectant mums were waiting for their 4d scans with their big bellies, with both of us in tears, so clearly having just received bad news. We drove straight to the hospital. We were there a while and saw a nurse who said they didn’t have any capacity to scan me (as it was Sunday) and to come back the following day. So, we went home and closed the curtains and waited.
Monday we went back. We had agreed that we both felt it was definitely over for twin two and were only going to have it confirmed. We sat in the waiting room and watched a beautiful pair of twins playing, read posters dotted around the walls about twin groups and twin antenatal classes, until it was our turn to go find or that we have lost our baby. It measured right on 8w5d, which was the day I woke up knowing something was wrong.
You couldn’t really tell it was a baby in the scan, no human features (i.e. limbs), just a bit of a blob. That was the bit that hurt the most, I imagined it all curled in to itself. Arms and legs wrapped up.
We saw our other beautiful little baby kicking its legs as if it was jamming it’s way through a spin class.
It was the most confusing ten minutes of my life, sobbing one moment at the sight of our baby there kicking and wiggling about, and the next at its brother or sister floating lifeless in space next to him/her.
I am so sad for our little baby who didn’t get to see the world outside. I’m so sad to have to tell our child that s/he is a twin without a brother or sister, and I’m sad for us.
I have a million other feelings of guilt and sadness that are hard to articulate at the moment. Perhaps I’ll try another time, or perhaps this will be the last you hear of twin two, because we really now have to give our all to twin one.
I bought this necklace for Bec for Mother’s Day. We are a little superstitious about buying things baby related things (or celebrating Mother’s Day, for example) before we know we’re ‘out of the woods’ but I explained to her as I gave her this (in my ignorance), that I felt it was appropriate for her to have it, as even if the worst happened, it will never take away from the fact that at that moment, on Mother’s Day, we had two little beans with two beautiful heart beats.