Mother’s intuition

I’ve not written for a while. There’s been some stuff going on. I’ll start at the beginning.

The day after Mother’s Day (7th March, 8+5) I woke up and said to Bec that I had an awful feeling that something was wrong. It wasn’t based on anything other than a feeling but I told her I felt like one of the babies had gone. My mum was staying with us at the time as she had been visiting for Mother’s Day, we had breakfast together before she went off to catch a train home and she said she thought I should listen to my body and get checked, if only to put my mind at rest. I felt like I was causing a fuss over nothing but posed the question on an online pregnancy group and everyone agreed that if I could afford a private scan I should go for it, because it’s worth the peace of mind to know everything’s ok.

So I found a place to go for a scan and they couldn’t see us until the following Sunday. This was fine though as by now I’d convinced myself it was all in my head. I still felt that something was wrong, I can’t really explain it – it’s not like I had connected with the twins before hand, but I suppose I felt them with me. And I had an overwhelming feeling from that morning that there was only one. It was as if I kept trying to make a connection with two and feeling a certain blankness. But, logic had taken over and I was telling myself that without any evidence other than a ‘feeling’, everything was probably fine. I decided to see it as a bonus scan, to see our little ones again.

So, Sunday we went for our scan, the place only offered abdominal scans (they are a 4d scan place, not a medical establishment) but said this would be fine at 9+4. Sure enough, we got in there and saw twin one fine, measuring a day ahead at 29mm, but she couldn’t get a good look at twin two. She tried for ages and managed to get a measurement of 22mm but couldn’t see a heartbeat, though never really got a completely clear picture. She said she thought it didn’t look good and wanted us to go seek medical advice.

We were in a bit if a state by now – it was horrible having to walk back through the waiting room where all the other expectant mums were waiting for their 4d scans with their big bellies, with both of us in tears, so clearly having just received bad news. We drove straight to the hospital. We were there a while and saw a nurse who said they didn’t have any capacity to scan me (as it was Sunday) and to come back the following day. So, we went home and closed the curtains and waited.

Monday we went back. We had agreed that we both felt it was definitely over for twin two and were only going to have it confirmed. We sat in the waiting room and watched a beautiful pair of twins playing, read posters dotted around the walls about twin groups and twin antenatal classes, until it was our turn to go find or that we have lost our baby. It measured right on 8w5d, which was the day I woke up knowing something was wrong.

You couldn’t really tell it was a baby in the scan, no human features (i.e. limbs), just a bit of a blob. That was the bit that hurt the most, I imagined it all curled in to itself. Arms and legs wrapped up.

We saw our other beautiful little baby kicking its legs as if it was jamming it’s way through a spin class.

It was the most confusing ten minutes of my life, sobbing one moment at the sight of our baby there kicking and wiggling about, and the next at its brother or sister floating lifeless in space next to him/her.

I am so sad for our little baby who didn’t get to see the world outside. I’m so sad to have to tell our child that s/he is a twin without a brother or sister, and I’m sad for us.

I have a million other feelings of guilt and sadness that are hard to articulate at the moment. Perhaps I’ll try another time, or perhaps this will be the last you hear of twin two, because we really now have to give our all to twin one.

***

I bought this necklace for Bec for Mother’s Day.  We are a little superstitious about buying things baby related things (or celebrating Mother’s Day, for example) before we know we’re ‘out of the woods’ but I explained to her as I gave her this (in my ignorance), that I felt it was appropriate for her to have it, as even if the worst happened, it will never take away from the fact that at that moment, on Mother’s Day, we had two little beans with two beautiful heart beats.

hearts

What happens when you find out you’re prego with twins

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Only kidding.  Tongue in cheek.  All this grey is a result of being pregnant though.  And also disorganised before pregnancy.

I really should have considered that at embryo transfer, I was due a dye, and dyed it before I was going to become all paranoid about chemicals.

I’ve not read anything that directly tells me not to dye my hair, but I have read things that suggest I should avoid it unless necessary (?), and if i do do it, I shouldn’t let the dye be in contact with my scalp for too long.  These things suggest to me that dying my hair is not good.  I am not going to do anything that is not good for my babies, while they are still at this super delicate stage.  You can be sure though, that after 12 weeks (ok, maybe 13, or 14 … wwwaaaahhhhh) my hair will be returned to it’s youthful shiney brunette self.  In the mean time, I feel like a bag lady.

Now having looked at this photo, I’m wondering about googling ‘Botox when pregnant’.

All the tears – 7 weeks pregnant

I cannot tell you how much I have cried since Friday morning.  For two reasons:

  1. I am pregnant.  With twins.
  2. I am pregnant.  With twins.

those may seem one and the same, but they aren’t, let me assure you.

Number one is about the utter utter shock of learning I am going to have two babies.  Two children.  I have two babies.  I am a mother of two.  I have two hearts that aren’t my own, beating away in my belly.  I mean, we had two embryos transferred, and I have said all along since I fell pregnant that I thought there were two in there.  But there’s ‘knowing’ and then there’s knowing.  Nothing prepared me for knowing for realsies.  The enormity of it.  How big I’m going to get.  How they are getting out.  How will we afford two sets of university fees at once?

Also number one, and as an extension to my own shock, I am also having to witness everyone elses shock as we yell “SURPRISE!!!” with our news.  That’s making me cry every time, too.

Number two is about the CRAZY coursing through my veins because of these two lovely little nubbins.  Hormones have hit and I am no longer in control.  Anything that previously might have made me feel perhaps a bit happy or a bit sad is now inducing shoulder shaking snotty sobs.  Example:  I was walking to work yesterday and imagining what my wifes and my first date after the babies might look like, when we feel comfortable leaving them with Grandma for an evening.  I was sitting at a table in a nice restaurant knocking back margaritas one moment and the next moment, leaving the table with a clatter and demanding a taxi with mascara/tear streaked face as I wail about needing to see my babies.  This fictional scenario produced by my own imagination caused actual sobbing on the way to work.

Guys.  Listen.  I’m having twins.  That’s two babies.  At once.  I want to both press pause to allow my brain to catch up and to allow me time to research ALL OF THE THINGS IN THE WORLD (I feel like I need to do a few years of thesis style research), and to press fast forward so that I can be someone who actually has two babies and knows what to do with them.

You should know:  I am over the moon.  I am so excited.  And I am also confident that we are going to totally smash being twin Mums, because my wife and I are an awesome team.  But you can feel all overwhelmed at the same time as that.