If at first you don’t succeed …

Hello!  Me again!

In a much more positive mood this time!

So, we have emerged out of the other side of the last round, finally.  Feeling much stronger and ready to take it all on again.  We felt like we needed a break after the last go and were looking forward to a few months off, but now that the bruises of it all are healing, now that we’ve forgotten what an absolute ball ache the whole thing was, we’re ready to get back in the ring and go another round.

We had a meeting with the director of our clinic following the letter of complaint we sent to them during our treatment.  That felt about as much use as a chocolate tea cosy, but it also put closure on the last round.

We went to the fertility show in London, which just felt overwhelming and stressful as the clinics from around the world threw their sales pitches in to our faces (which often felt like being slapped in the face with the yellow pages.)  It was a good day though, we escaped the show and went to a pub and bought a pint, sifted through all the information we had, dumped about 3/4 of it and headed off to Camden where we spent our time more wisely, eating quesadillas and drinking margaritas.  We then got even more sloshed on the train home and entertained/annoyed the carriage with a game of Heads Up (You can’t do that, pregnant, can you!? NER!!)

We have since poured over the options, set up spreadsheets, compared costs and found that actually, we are better off going back to the clinic we started with.  Which is a shame, because I think we were both secretly hoping that a clinic in Cyprus or Spain would emerge the most cost effective and practical option.  A couple of weeks on the beach while Bec grows her little eggs wouldn’t have gone a-miss!

We have had a long think about the problems we had with our clinic, and actually, they aren’t anything we can’t deal with again.  It’s nothing that would jeopardise our chances of success.  Just annoying incompetencies, that’s all.

So we’re going back to IVF, this time we’re doing the full round and keeping all of our eggs to ourselves.

All of our eggs (see how many there are!)  In one basket.

All of our eggs (see how many there are!) In one basket.

The money fairy landed in our yard this morning, too.  Not free money, it has to be returned to its rightful owner – but not just yet.  We can use it to make a baby, first.  Woo!

Baby, you ready?  We’re coming to getcha!

The green eyed monster

We’ve reached that ugly stage.  One filled with guilt because it’s not anyone else’s fault.  And because anyone who wants so much to make a family, deserves the joy of it.  But we are jealous, insanely jealous of pregnant people.  Questions you never meant to ask start popping in to your head – why them and not us?

We’ve not reached a stage of being able to discuss what to do next yet – every time I think of our options I feel like I’m being carried away off in to the wind and need to get my feet back on the ground before I float away forever.  We need to finish off paying off this round before we can think about the next round, so we’re lucky, I suppose that we have this enforced break.

I have a feeling the jealousy is only going to increase as bellies start getting bigger and babies start arriving.  Unless I can find a way to make it go away, the jealousy, I mean – because it’s not nice.

We (I) caved

The clinic told us to test 12dpt, we agreed between ourselves to test 10dpt, when I spoke to the clinic about the bleeding they told us we could test 9dpt if we wanted, and when I woke up this morning, 8dpt, I had the urge to know, immediately.  I hadn’t planned on it before hand, but I woke up and asked Bec if we could, so I did.

It was a very clear and definite negative.  Not even a hint of a line.  So we’ve labelled it as over this time.  We know we’ve not reach the official test date yet, and shouldn’t treat it as over until we do, so I’m continuing on with the meds and the abstinence until it’s officially over.

I feel … it’s difficult to say.  I’m a slow burner, I always have been – my emotions are usually the last thing to show in any given situation.  Initially, I feel relieved because the two week wait is over, and I feel like I have known all along that it’s not worked.  Of course, you have a glimmer of hope, you have day dreams about seeing the two lines – that hope has felt like a stone in my shoe, I’ve felt so sure it’s not worked.  So in a way, I feel glad not to be walking on that stone any more.  I keep having moments of ‘could the test have been wrong?‘ and it just feels cruel to think it.

Of course, I’m sad that I’m not pregnant, I’m so sad that our emby didn’t make it, I’m sad that there are more delays to us becoming parents, that our children will be so much younger than their cousins, I’m sad about the thousands of pounds that have gone down the drain, I’m sad that we now have to magic some more money from somewhere, while we’ve still not finished paying off the last round.

But we’re now starting to think about a holiday for next spring.  The thought of a holiday while we’re so desperately in dire straits when it comes to finding the money for another round of IVF seems absurd.  But wholly necessary.  My wife and I need to down tools and go and spend a week somewhere warm together.  Our first years of marriage cannot be spent focusing on this one thing.

My beautiful little family

It’s helping me to be vocal on here for this 2ww, perhaps because there’s no-one in the world who knows where we are with it, except my wife and the world wide web!

I was an idiot yesterday.  I forgot to take my oestrogen tablet in the morning.  I usually carry them everywhere as I’m always remembering I forgot, but I’d taken my last bag one last week and all I had was an empty packet.  I rationalised that it would be OK, I could take the three spaced out in the evening.  Then I started googling.  I’m glad I did.  The reason they have me on these is it elevate my hormone levels to an unusually high level, to help achieve pregnancy.  The reason I have to stay on them now until 12 weeks pregnant (if …. y’know) is because a sudden hormone drop could cause problems in the fragile early weeks of pregnancy.  So I started to imagine my hormone levels dropping by the minute throughout the day – until it became too much and I left work at lunch time and went home.  Given that home is an hour away, there was no point in me coming back, so I just took the afternoon off as leave.

Bonus: my wife managed to find a spare few hours in her day to take me out for lunch, and then on to B&Q to buy some paint to repaint some furniture I painted a few weeks ago and didn’t like the outcome of.  So it ended up being a nice day.  The bookcase looks lovely – much better than the ‘distressed’ green and cream I originally did.  It’s hard to see in the lighting but it’s actually a really lovely grey colour. I’ve yet to re-do the TV unit.

wpid-wp-1446547698209.jpeg

Still spotting.  I feel pretty sure it’s over and done with.  We’ve agreed to test on Thursday.  I’m managing to remain calm and pragmatic.  Just with my breath slightly held.  And a sprinkling of hope.  Like I hope to win the lottery this week.

Still.  There is more to our life.  And I need to remember that on this journey.  Sometimes I think that all I want in the world is for us to see those two lines, have a successful pregnancy, and a baby.  But no, life is good as it is.  Having a baby would be all kinds of wonderful, but that doesn’t mean that what we have now isn’t wonderful.  As I said in my marriage vows to my wife (and then again in a card on our first test day in our first cycle) “I promise to work tirelessly by your side to achieve the things we value and dream of, to devote my life to our family, whether it consists of a herd of small people, a pack of Bichons, or just the two of us.”

We had a lovely weekend.  We took a lovely long walk at the park by our old house with the dogs.  It’s one of my favourite places in Manchester.  We first got our dogs on December 27th last year and had a terrible first night with them being up barking all night.  We got up first thing and walked them over to the park.  It was covered in snow and we watched the sun rise over the fields, it was so beautiful the four of us together starting our little family life together.  Every visit to the park has been as lovely since, we usually go and have a long walk on a Sunday morning and stop half way round for cups of tea and sausage sandwiches!  So it was nice to go this weekend, it was such a beautiful day, the sun was blazing in the blue sky and all the autumn colours were being shown at their best – we even stopped for ice creams.  It makes me happy to remember what a happy lovely little family I have.

We then cooked a Sunday roast and had friends over.  No-one seemed to notice I wasn’t drinking (which is very unusual for me, and Bec was on wine) because I was drinking Becks Blue, and was pouring it out of sight of everyone else.

We are off to London on Sunday.  We still have no idea whether we are going to spend a lovely day wandering about (potentially catching a matinee in the west end) or whether we’ll be going to the fertility show.  Bec has said she thinks we should call in to the fertility show even if we get a BFP, so that we have the information for future tries.  Because, after all, it’s a clan we’re attempting to build here.  Hundreds of ’em! Old-Woman-Who-Lived-in-a-Shoe